


the path to a date is paved with ill-meaning friends

by xwannaflyx



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Getting Together, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, M/M, Slice of Life, itachi is vengefully protective of his brother, kisame is doing his best, sasuke thinks no one is good enough to date his brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28520952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xwannaflyx/pseuds/xwannaflyx
Summary: In which Itachi tries to live his best seventh year life but gets distracted by getting revenge for his brother against Umbridge, distracted by his friend trying to peer pressure him into seducing the enemy, and then the "enemy" aka his best friend for the past six years.Kisame, on the other hand, has been distracted for three years by the exact same person this entire time (and Kakuzu is sick of it).
Relationships: Hoshigaki Kisame/Uchiha Itachi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 82
Collections: Akatsuki Gift Exchange





	the path to a date is paved with ill-meaning friends

**Author's Note:**

> for bartyrockwood as a stocking stuffer for Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2020. i was a little bit more flexible about your prompt because i'm terrible at keeping track of all my characters so i just doubled down on the kisaita hope you enjoy!
> 
> this has not been brit-picked in any way shape or form and i am definitely an uncultured heathen of an american soooooo read with your own caution

“Whose fucking idea was this bullshit?” Hidan hissed, trying to turn himself as small as possible and half plastering himself against the wall and half hiding behind Kakuzu. Mrs. Norris, who sat staring at the five of them with her creepy, suspicious eyes, was weirdly silent. “I’m already in detention for like eternity, you wankers,” he added, kicking at anyone’s ankles that he could reach. 

“Shut up, Hidan,” Kisame said with a sigh, rubbing his temples. He had mainly come along because Itachi had looked up at him through his lashes, a trick that he had (unfortunately) learned about a year ago which made Kisame fold like a paper bag in monsoon season. He could already hear the mockery from Kakuzu or Konan or literally anyone in their friend group ringing in his ears. 

“And you’re a prefect,” Hidan hissed to Itachi, half climbing Kakuzu because for whatever reason Mrs. Norris freaked him out. Kakuzu, with the long suffering patience of the devout or parents, merely readjusted his weight so that they wouldn’t fall over. “Shouldn’t you be discouraging this—don’t touch it!” he snapped as Itachi crouched down. 

Everyone watched in flat shock as Itachi gently scratched Mrs. Norris under the chin and past her ears and back until she shivered slightly in satisfaction then walked away. “She likes scritches,” he said without explanation, standing again and turning back to Umbridge’s door. 

“You touched that flea-infested monster?” Kakuzu asked, a low note of respect in his voice.

Itachi stiffened slightly which caused Kisame to cut Kakuzu a rather vicious glare. “And she hates Umbridge,” he added, finally managing to fiddle the door open with three different (and common, he thought with a scoff) spells and his trusty set of lockpicks. “And  _ she _ ,” Itachi added with an almost pleasant, purely vicious smile as he swung the door open, “used an experimental quill which uses your blood on my little brother.”

Kakuzu raised his eyebrows, shuffling in along with the other two. “Isn’t your family fucking loaded and in the Board of Directors? Why don’t you guys just make a big stink of it?”

Itachi turned to smile at them and the gleam of his dark eyes were vicious and satisfied and so beautiful it made Kisame choke. “We did. This is just for fun,” he said, almost gently, as he began pulling out various prank (and cursed) items from the depths of his robe. “Come on, I want everything she touches to end badly for her.”

With a mutual and mental note to not touch that Sas-whatever his name was-duck head, they joined in booby trapping Umbridge’s entire office from under the creepy stares of her painted cats. Considering the satisfaction that was pouring off of Itachi, she was going to last a max of two weeks and they were going to ensure that the entire time was pure misery for her. 

-x-

Two days later, Umbridge was already out for the count, unable to eat. Madam Pompfrey, her smile contained and a thin vicious line, was “quite honestly baffled about this” but for whatever reason, everything Umbridge ate gave her indigestion. At this point, the only thing she could eat/drink and still keep down were potions which never tasted very good. Sasuke cradled his hand with the Uchiha typical arrogant tilt of his chin. Itachi’s eyes  _ gleamed _ . 

Then, to add insult to injury, a day after that, Umbridge found out that she was suddenly and violently allergic to cats. And two days after that, despite all the nicely matching pink outfits in her closet, the second anything was worn, it all turned a revolting shade of puce that truly brought out the green undertones of her skin and made her look even more ill than usual, even more ill than cats made her now. Finally, a week after a random collection of happenstance illness and accidents and obvious pranks, Umbridge was called into the Headmaster’s office for a dismissal after heavy-handed pressure from the Uchihas. 

“Why is that smile so attractive?” Kisame lamented to Kakuzu, easily the least sympathetic of his friend group, in the Three Broomstick. The words were practically mumbled into his butterbeer and Madam Rosmerta cut him a half threatening, half worried look as she passed. “It’s vengeful and he’s so small it should not be so attractive.”

“So shag him,” Kakuzu contributed unhelpfully. He and Hidan had dealt with their unfortunate attraction and now affection for each other by dragging each other into a broom closet and snogging in it until they got caught by Filch back in fourth year. He didn’t understand how Kisame was going to just stand there and stare and pine for two—was it three now?—years instead of snogging the arrogant prick and shagging him too. It wasn’t like it was illegal seeing as they were both seventh years.

“I’m not going to shag Itachi!” Kisame hissed, kicking Kakuzu’s ankle and burying his face in his scarf. “He’s just really attractive,” he whined again, the noise plaintive and positively gushy. 

Kakuzu edged slightly away from Kisame. He didn’t know if such sentiment was contagious but considering how miserable and stupid he looked, he wasn’t going to risk it. 

-x-

“Mate, I truly, genuinely say this with affection,” Yahiko said, clutching Kisame by his massive biceps and shaking him slightly. “Are you listening?”

“Yes,” Kisame grumbled, already halfway into a sulk as he cradled his beater’s bat and leaned against his broom. They were only a week from their deciding match and Yahiko’s hair looked even more a mess than usual, his Captaincy of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team giving him a twitchy anxiety and dark circles as he breathed, dreamed, and lived tactics. 

“If you don’t get your bloody head in the game, I will offer that skinny Uchiha a shag for you. You almost got hid by a bludger during practice and as a beater, that’s bloody stupid of you. Got it?” he half threatened, half pleaded, continuing to shake Kisame even if he barely moved.

Kisame’s expression twisted in disgust, “mate he’s underage,” he pointed out, straightening slightly with a touch of a threatening air.

Yahiko’s expression also twisted in disgust, “I only shag two people and they can both kill me if I ever look elsewhere. And why in the bloody hell would I be speaking of the little Uchiha? Everyone knows if you even look at him sideways big Uchiha will cut you to ribbons. No, big Uchiha. If you don’t get your shit together, I’m going to march up to Uchiha and beg him to shag you until you see sense again.” He tried to meet Kisame’s eyes, clasping his hand together in a pleading movement, “I will literally beg him to shag you. So I am begging you to get your goddamn head out of your arse.”

Kisame, with the sort of energy he had been lacking during all of practice, shoved Yahiko off, “Fuck off,” he replied, scowling, before marching over to his locker to begin roughly yanking off the uniform to change back into his robes. Yahiko, watching his usually-star-but-for-some-arsed-reason-completely-useless beater undress, firmly resolved to carry out his threat.

-x-

Itachi barely twitched when Konan suddenly slid into the seat next to him at the Slytherin table, both of their eyes casually fixed on the Hufflepuff table. Both tables were tense and raucous, everyone excited for the last and Quidditch Cup-deciding match of the year. “What,” he finally stated flatly when she was silent for too long. He slowly blinked at the flicker-gleam of Kisame’s white teeth as he laughed and slapped some second year member of the team on the back. 

“Yahiko asked me for a favor,” Konan replied, taking a tiny bite of her eggs. Itachi hummed quietly but said nothing in response. As he lifted his cup to his lips, Konan spoke again, “he begged me to beg you to shag Kisame at some point. He would have preferred that I brought this up a while ago,” she added, delicately wiping her lips. 

Itachi, with the deeply trained grace of his family, barely managed to place his cup back on the table instead of spilling it all over himself. “Excuse me?” he asked slowly. 

The smile on Konan’s face and the sly tilt of her head was all Slytherin. “I would prefer that it happens or is offered directly before the match of course.”

The shock inside of Itachi was only expressed with a couple rapid blinks. “I’m not shagging someone so you gain an advantage on the opposing team,” Konan, in a surprisingly unladylike manner, clicked her tongue. “Konan,” Itachi said a little bit more firmly this time. 

Konan clicked her tongue again but turned her gaze away from Kisame. “Maybe Mei can seduce him,” she said suddenly, glancing at the Slytherin chaser who was determinedly making her way through an entire fry up. 

“ _ Konan _ ,” Itachi repeated, the words now the slippery soft sound of a threat. 

Her eyes cut from his to her boyfriends to Kisame then back to him. Shockingly, she clicked her tongue for the third time, “we have a bet on this, you know,” she finally said, the closest the two would ever get to apologies to each other. Itachi lifted his shoulder in a half shrug, still annoyed. “It’s a very  _ nice  _ bet,” she added, the words silky. 

Itachi’s expression screwed up in distaste. The expression on her face was purely lascivious. And they were friends, truly, but he didn’t need to know how or when she was shagging anyone ever. 

-x-

“AND TO OUR RIGHT, THE SLYTHERIN TEAM!” Obito announced cheerfully. “The cheating little bastards they are—ow Professor! I was joking!” he squawked, trying to dodge Professor McGonagall’s smacks. Konan also made sure to fly by and whack him on the back of the head, causing cheers to roar through the Slytherin crowd. 

Itachi, reluctantly present because friendship meant obligations, huddled deeper into his scarf with a huff. Most of his friends were either not at the match or in the match and he found himself sitting by himself in the back of the stands. 

“AND TO THE LEFT, THE HUFFLEPUFFS JOIN THE CROWD!” Obito announced gleefully. Itachi watched as the team whipped out of their spots and his mouth went briefly dry as he remembered the conversation he had with Konan during breakfast. As he swallowed and shook his head, trying to ignore the memory and focus on the beginning of the match, Obito shouted out again, “AND NOW A ‘PUFF IS FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEM— ow Professor! He is!”

Itachi’s eyes flickered from the faraway movements of Obito in the teacher’s stands then arrested on Kisame, the aforementioned Hufflepuff that was fraternizing with the enemy. “Hi,” Kisame said, bashful as he gripped his broom with just his thighs and rubbed the back of his neck.

Head tilting to the side, Itachi offered his old friend a barely there smile. “Hello,” he greeted back despite the curiosity crowding his throat. 

“So, uh—” Kisame coughed, awkward and nervous in a way that he no longer was with him. Itachi’s eyes narrowed.

“Hoshigaki, you bloody wanker, I didn’t mean  _ now _ !” Yahiko shrieked as he flew past. 

Kisame merely offered him a rude hand gesture, eyes still fixed on Itachi. “So you’re going to be pretty cold after the match,” he blurted, eyes darting to all the other Slytherins staring at him and a particular narrow-eyed glare from a certain first year Uchiha. “And uh—”

“Shag later!” Konan shouted as she also flew past, the wind trailing after her whipping Itachi’s scarf into his face.

“Do you want to get hot chocolate together in the kitchen after? Like a date? If we win? I win?” Kisame finally blurted out, eyes finally fixed on Itachi. Itachi, whose jaw had dropped. “Er—”

“HOSHIGAKI, YOU DOG, THE MATCH IS GOING TO START!” Obito yelled, and his laughter continued to echo through the microphone. 

“Bloody—” Kisame cut himself off with a soft hiss. Itachi was still staring blankly, an undignified and inordinate amount of shock on his face. Swearing softly, Kisame turned his broom around and took his position along with the Hufflepuff crowd as Hooch glared at him, Konan, and Yahiko equally.

“Brother!” Sasuke hissed, having finally managed to shove his way through despite everyone and particularly Naruto and Sakura’s best efforts. “Brother, you can’t date him!” he complained, a surprisingly childish complaint. 

Exhaling softly, Itachi watched as all the balls were released. He continued to watch as Kisame visibly shook himself and focused on the game. He eyed the flex of his arms as he aimed a bludger at one of the Slytherin chasers. “Well now I’m torn,” he said softly. 

“Brother!” Sasuke whined, well used to his brother’s various tones of voice at this point. 

The next time Kisame’s gaze turned toward the Slytherin stands, Itachi raised his wand and very deliberately changed his scarf to the garish yellow and black pattern of the Hufflepuffs. He didn’t think it was simply arrogance to think that the next hit against a bludger was quite a bit stronger than the one before.

“Brother!” Sasuke continued to complain, his young face screwed up in distaste as he regarded the traitorous yellow and black scarf Itachi was wearing. 

Itachi said nothing in response but his smile was smug. Oh, Konan would be furious later, he was sure, but  _ he  _ would be busy with a date in the kitchens. Finally warm away from this wind and under the regard of a long time friend and partner and soon, he hoped, something more. 

**Author's Note:**

> so i definitely wrote this between like eleven pm or midnight and just typed the entire thing in one sitting and am posting after just checking for grammar because we die like men. hope yall enjoyed


End file.
